This is a different tone compared to my normal writing
pieces. Recently, I’ve heard a lot of stories of women who talk about people
calling them fat or too skinny or simply ugly because of their size. For many
women, this can trigger a lot of emotions. It can even sometimes lead to them
feeling more self-conscious and getting involved in unhealthy habits such as
binge eating, starvation, etc. So today, I’m sharing my story which I don’t
really discuss often. Not because I don’t want to share, but because I’ve grown
above the hate and criticism ever since I was little and have been able to
simply love me no matter my weight.
When I was 5 years-old, I was pretty skinny. I was almost
like a twig to most people. My mother told me when I was older that while out
with her or my grandmother, some people asked or even make an assumption that I
was anorexic or bulimic because of how I appeared. However, in reality I LOVED
food! I still do! I would eat my own meal and also eat some of my mother’s or grandmother’s
food. I would eat so much all the time and was healthy to my doctor, but to
society I was declared someone who had an eating disorder or simply wasn’t
being fed. Then things got worse 5 years later when my father poked my belly and called me fat. The quick change from being skinny to fat was insane. I still don't know how I was able to handle hearing that at the age of 10. What made this hurt the most was that it was coming from my own father. Our relationship has always been rocky, but this certainly left a scar.
Fast forward to middle school, I gained a lot of weight, and
I think this was triggered mainly because of my bullying days. I was bullied by
a few girls in my class and it tore me up completely on the inside. I was so
conscious about what people thought, constantly feeling like I was being talked
about or stared at. I was laughed at, made fun of, and when I look back now it
still hurts just a little bit. All of this caused me to binge eat and sink into
constant sadness. I would come home from school and cry. My school work was less
of a priority and I didn’t get enough sleep. Everything was a mess. It was also
during this time I found comfort in YouTube and writing. Eventually, I did
stand up to my bullies and cut most ties with my peers.
Once I left middle school, I went to a high school in a new
neighborhood and away from all the people who brought me down. I made friends,
found happiness in my passion for the arts, and actually excelled in my
academics. My weight had mainly stayed the same since middle school, but I was
healthy. I was eating right and I was very active in clubs at my school. I
wasn’t in a place of sadness anymore and that to me was really important. I
felt good and in my opinion looked good. My confidence level blew up and I saw
it clearly. I put effort into how I dressed and even how I did my makeup each
day. I began to care about myself and learned the importance of self love. By
the end of high school, I loved myself completely. Even though when I look back
now at some photos I cringe at my poses and outfits, I still see a teenager who
loved herself and didn’t care what others thought.
Then came college, a place where health is crucial. Not only
is the Freshman 15 hanging over your head, but there’s also the cheap eats and
constant drinking. In my freshman year, I was able to find time to balance my
academics, being with friends, going to the gym almost every day and eating
decently. I realized how healthy I was that year when I ran from one far
building to another in less than a minute and wasn’t coughing or out of breath.
I felt so good for the first time about my health.
I gained a lot of weight during my last three years. I went
through some rough patches that put me back into that middle school funk I had
ages ago and found myself lonelier than ever, which also lead to eating
unhealthy. Eventually, everything got better, but my weight didn’t. The
combination of my lack of sleep, fast food grabs, and drinking caused me to go
gain more weight. It was to a point where I was actually disappointed in allowing
myself to get to this point.
However, despite everything with my weight from the time I
was little to now, I always embraced it. A big part of why I love my size and
how I look in general comes down to how I brought myself up. I feel fierce as
hell when I wear my best outfit and my winged liner is up to the gods. I love
changing up my hair and also taking a ton of selfies. I love my booty and my
big thighs. I love the scar on my right hand. I look at my “imperfections”, but
see it as beauty. I simply learned that there is nothing wrong with me or us as
humans when it comes to our looks. It is simply what society and other people
say or create as a standard and it really has an affect on us. Once you don’t
give a damn about society’s expectations, you’ll realize how much more free you’ll
feel and, of course, how much you love yourself.
Today, I’m back on a health journey. I go to the gym, eat
healthier and keep track of my health goals. I don’t weigh myself because
honestly I find it more empowering to watch the transformation rather than keep
chasing a number. In the first two months out of school, I already feel so much
better. I didn’t feel as gross and low energy as normal. I felt as if I could
do anything for the first time in a long time. Self-care comes a long way.
So what’s the lesson of this story? For me, it was that life
is going to throw you some intense obstacles that can try to bring you down and
society will keep trying to tell you what to do with your body and life.
However, if you stay true to you and learn to put yourself first, you can find
happiness beyond the criticisms of the world.
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